What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 10:12
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Comes on , in middle age.
I was 9 years of age.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why do I like to eat my own cum?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Is crossdressing being a transvestite?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I never cut or harmed myself..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
This is soul school!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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Would this be the day?
We all went to grammer schools
It was going to be , some day.
Who then, do I blame.?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I will be 64.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My life is so biszare .
I said to her
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One cannot live in the past .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My family never makes their pension either.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I write beautiful poetry .
Put me off passion for life!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was very sick at this time too.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She found it foreign!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So, i spoilt her more .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was seconnd youngest,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She wouldn,t have been !
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
What did i know ?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But it wasn’t much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was scared of men, in general
I couldn’t, believe it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was in good health!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im still living with it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
All the time i was locked up.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She married twice! .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I have no regrets .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i lived it daily.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He resisted the act ,that day.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I waited trembling.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I think the readers, may guess!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She loved him until the end.
He knew the spot.
So whats the point in blame.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We were not on the streets..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Especially a lifetime of it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I don,t even have a pension.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Ive learnt so much.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But, we were locked up after school.